OK! ENOUGH ALREADY!

This is my test. This is my test.
That's the phrase that keeps whirling through my head even though I'm not a religious person by any means. Heck, I'm probably the least religious person you know, and I'm still thinking it.
I'm at breaking point right now, and I'm sure the slightest thing could push me over the edge.

When everything in your life goes wrong, you panic. The initial reaction is to take shelter, to run away.
Eventually, you gain the focus and mindset to take a step back and look at what exactly has gone wrong, and finally you take the steps to correct that which you can, and let go of that which you can't.

Last year I had a heap of things happen to me, if you know me, or you read this blog, you'll know what I mean.
It seems as though it's happening again. It feels like once I set foot in this place, things begin to fall apart.
Maybe I wasn't ever meant to come here, maybe I should have stayed home, lived there for who knows how long, and enjoyed the stability, the comfort of it. Cause I tell you, every day I'm here feels like I'm being not-so subtly pushed out the door, like some kid with a slingshot is picking at me bit by bit from somewhere I can't see. Making things go wrong and generally just pissing me off.

Before I go any further, I just want to say that no matter what happens this year, I'm staying here. I'm riding it out like I said I would, until December..

So, a quick recap before I explain the last few days.

I moved here for another year, into an appartment that is the size of a Snickers bar, I think I've lost my job, it's raining constantly, and I'm feeling a little dejected.
Each day, I get out of the appartment to the nearby coffee shop, and work on getting a job, a better place, and also on my own projects.

Yesterday, I finish a job for a client, and send them an invoice, and the final product. A day before that, I find a job listing at a company, send off my resume and get word back saying there's a position available, so I send in some samples upon request.
The day before that, I've found a new appartment I think is awesome, that I want to move into. The arrangements are made, the deposit dropped off, and the current tennant says I can move in on Wednesday after he has a key made for me.

Wednesday rolls around.
I wake up at 7:00, hop into the shower. After the blood nose I get stops few minutes later, and I dry off, and leave for the office.
Getting there, I order a juice and a muffin, and sit down to use the free wireless in the same position I sit every day.
I open up my e-mail client, and the first thing that greets me is 4 new e-mails.
Two of them are spam.
The other one is from the client I've just finished a job for, saying that there's a problem with the project, we work it out but it's not in my favour. Whatever, it's work so I don't mind comprimising.
The second e-mail is from my new housemate, telling me that his mother has died last night, and that he's flying out until the end of the month.
Not that it's my issue, and I feel awful for the guy, but now I have nowhere to live, as I'm out of the appartment tonight, and I don't have anywhere to go because he's gone until March.
I send him an e-mail with my condolences.
The job I found never writes back.
My current boss never contacted me again.
On top of that, someone I really like just flat out rejected me, it's still raining, and my finger itches.

I feel like if I touch something I'm going to explode.
Next week there's supposed to be an earthquake here. So say the weather experts. Or maybe they've miscalculated. I read somewhere that the 'Big One' as they call it, is meant to happen soon, but the next batch of tremors isn't unti April 2008, so hell I dunno. I hope this isn't all leading up to me getting squashed by someone's piano rolling off their balcony or something.

Doesn't it just sometimes feel like, even though things go wrong and you start to get back on track again, they're completely out of your hands?
I'm not too upset by what's happened, but I'm worried that this year is going to be like the last.
I'm trying to make it otherwise, and if you know what I'm like, you know I'm hardly the pessimist, but for the love of god, someone send me some cyanide, or a message.

I'll keep writing, but at the moment I'm about to punch a hole through this monitor.

Jimzip D:


P.S. Despite the hateful rantings in this entry, (which I know, is too long..) I have to say, that without the family and friends I've got, I probably would have dug myself a hole and plunged headfirst into it long ago.
You know who you are, and you're all awesome, so cheers to ye, and thanks!